


A Christmas Story

by kyrrann



Series: IT Crowd Drabbles [1]
Category: IT Crowd
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Comedy, Drabble, Fluff, Gen, Gift Exchange, Glitter, Humor, Humorous Ending, Silly, Unicorns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 18:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8812261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrrann/pseuds/kyrrann
Summary: Moss wants an official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6" unicorn plushie with a saddle on its back and a bottom that shoots glitter for Christmas.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written as part of the First Snow/Holiday Cheer Challenge for the All Fandoms FanFiction and Original Fiction Writer's Group.

Maurice Moss sat alone in the basement office staring at a glossy advert in a magazine when the phone rang. Picking up the receiver, he adopted his work voice. “Hello, IT. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?”

He listened for a moment before continuing. “Hello, Mother. I can’t talk now. I’m at work. Oh, you want to know what I want for Christmas?”

His eyes widened and a grin appeared on his face. “Well, I thought you’d never ask. I want a official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6" unicorn plushie with a saddle on its back and a bottom that shoots glitter.”

Moss heard screaming on the other end of the line and threw the receiver down as if the shrieking was contagious. When the ranting stopped, he gingerly picked it up and squeaked, “What do you mean I’ll shoot my eye out? I do wear protective eye wear, after all. Okay fine. Goodbye, Mother.”

Moss slammed down the phone and sighed. “Oh, P...Pl….Ploppers! How am I going to get my unicorn now?”

Roy Trenneman sauntered into the office and took off his winter jacket. “Damn it’s cold outside,” he announced, blowing warm air into his hands. Without looking at his office mate, he sat down at his desk and began typing. “Hey Moss.”

Moss frowned, crossed his arms against his chest and greeted him in a surly voice. “Hello, Roy.”

“Well hello, Miss Sunshine,” Roy scowled as he looked over at him. “What crawled up your arse this morning and started a family?”

Moss squinted his eyes and pursed his lips. “I bet your mother gives you everything you want for Christmas.”

“Moss, the only thing my mother gave me for Christmas last year was a pain in the neck,” he replied, rolling his eyes and pointing at his neck. “Literally. Last year she was mad that I won the Christmas cracker that she stole the little plastic ring I won and stabbed me in the neck with it.”

“Yes, that would be a tad disconcerting,” Moss agreed. “Mothers, you can’t live with them but you can’t live without them because you sleep in their basement.”

“No Moss,” Roy responded. “You still live in your mother’s basement. Most of us moved out on our own ages ago.”

Moss looked at him in surprise. “But if I move out, who would iron my shirts? The iron fairy?”

Roy sighed in exasperation. “No, Moss. There is no such thing as an iron fairy.”

“Then who irons your shirts?’ Moss inquired.

“Let’s just drop it, okay?” Roy urged him. “Now, what did your mother say that has you so upset?”

“Oh, right. My mother refuses to get me what I want for Christmas. It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted!” he wailed. “She’s such a big …” he paused for a second fidgeting, searching for the right word and then blurted out, “meanie!”

Roy stared in silence for a few moments and took a sip of his coffee. “Now, I know I’m going to regret asking this, but what is it that you want for Christmas, exactly?”

Moss smiled and held up the advert. “I want a official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6" unicorn plushie with a saddle on its back and a bottom that shoots glitter!”

Roy sputtered, spitting coffee all over his desk. “You want a what?!”

“I want a official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6"...”

Roy interrupted. “Wait, stop! I heard you. You want a unicorn?”

“Yes,” Moss replied proudly.

Roy used his hand to mimic a horn on the top of his head. “The horse like creature with a horn on his head?

“Yes.”

“And it shoots glitter?”

“Yes.”

“Out of it’s arse?” Roy couldn’t barely get the question out with a straight face.

“Yes, that’s the one,” Moss beamed ear to ear.

Roy threw his hands in the air. “You understand that this thing actually shoots glitter out of it’s arse?!” Roy exclaimed.

“Well of course Roy, it’s in the product description,” Moss replied calmly, pointing to the words _WARNING: This unicorn shoots glitter out of it’s arse_ on the advert.

“That is truly a horrible idea. You’ll shoot your eye out,” Roy cautioned him.

“I wear protective eye wear, Roy!” whined Moss pointing to his glasses before slumping down in his chair and sobbing.

Jen Barber entered the room carrying a neatly wrapped package tied up with a perfectly placed bow. “Are you two ready for the company party gift exchange?”

She walked over to Moss and put a hand on his shoulder. “Oh Moss, what’s wrong? Did you forget to pack a banana in your lunch again?”

“Oh, it’s too depressing,” he cried. Without looking up he pointed over at Roy. “Why don’t you ask him? He’s nothing but a big, stupid meanie!”

Jen stood up and put her hands on her hips. “Roy, I thought we agreed that swapping out Moss’ skim milk with the full fat version constituted a hostile work environment.”

Moss popped his head up, surprised look on his face. “Roy! How could you?!”

“No, it’s not that!” Roy held up his hands in front of him. “I haven’t done that in ages!”

Jen crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at him.

“Well, not since this morning anyway. But that’s not what’s this is about. Go ahead Moss. Tell her what you want for Christmas,” Roy urged him.

Moss wiped the tears from his his eyes, held up the advert and blurted out, “I want an official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6" unicorn plushie with a saddle on its back and a bottom that shoots glitter!”

A concerned look crossed Jen's face. “Oh. Oh, no. I don’t think that’s a very good idea at all, Moss. You’ll shoot your eye out.”

"But I have protective eye wear!" he yelled before breaking down again.

Jen patted him on the back. “Remember what happened when you got that sheep plushie that vomited jelly beans?”

“But that was ages ago!” Moss defended himself.

“Moss, that was last week and I can still see the scar on your cheek,” Jen reminded him, pointing at his face. “Oh, come on you two. We should get up to the party before they run out of alcohol.”

Roy picked up a lumpy package wrapped in newsprint and tied with a piece of string. “Fine, let’s go.”

Jen looked at the package, a shocked expression on her face. “You’re seriously going to bring that and give it to someone?”

“And why not?” Roy held up the package. “It’s a Christmas gift exchange and I am bringing a gift to exchange. Besides, it’s the thought that counts.”

“Yes, but it looks like you thought someone should receive your half eaten tuna sandwich wrapped up in newsprint,” she chided him.

“Well, I may or may not have neglected to go shopping. Besides, it’s still a present,” he replied, bottom lip quivering in a shameless display of crocodile tears. “And if you want to turn your nose up at a present I so lovingly wrapped with my own two hands, well then shame on you Jen Barber! Shame. On. You!”

“Oh my god. It’s really a half-eaten tuna sandwich, isn’t it?” she asked horrified.

“It’s a surprise,” he said, scooping up his present and exiting the door with Jen closely behind.

Moss opened up his desk drawer and pulled out his present for the exchange. Then he picked up the advert of the unicorn plushie. “One day, I’ll find you and we can finally be together.”

He kissed the picture and sighed as he placed it back onto his desk.

* * *

  
The office party was in full swing by the time the group arrived.

“Jen! And … you two,” called out a short, stocky man with shoulder length brown hair. “It’s so good of your to join the party.”

“Hello Mr. Reynholm,” Jen greeted him, forcing herself to smile. “We are ever so glad to be here. Is there, um, still alcohol left?”

“But of course!” Douglas Reynholm replied. “Would I throw a party without enough alcohol? I think not!” He reached out to grab the presents they were carrying. “Oh, are these for me? Splendid!”

“No … those are for the gift exchange,” Jen stammered.

“Of course they are,” Douglas boomed. “I give you a party with booze expensed to the company and in exchange, you all give me presents!”

Before Jen could respond, he threw their gifts into a big pile in the center of the room.

“Okay everyone!” Douglas called out, clasping his hands. “Now that everyone is here, it’s time to see what you gave me for Christmas!”

Grabbing Jen’s present from the top of the pile, he ripped open the paper to reveal a beautifully hand crafted pen and pencil set. “What are these?”

Jen looked confused. “It’s pen and pencil set. Lovingly handcrafted by a little old man in Cheswick. Quite expensive.”

“Haha! Oh Jen, you kidder,” he threw them across the room. “You know I don’t sign my own documents. I have people for that. Such a great gag gift! Remind me to give you a raise!”

Next he picked up Roy’s poorly wrapped package. “Now this is the way a real man wraps a gift. Let’s see what’s inside.”

Roy gulped.

“A half eaten tuna sandwich?” A smile spread across Douglas’ face as he held it out for everyone to see. “Now this is the sort of great present that any man would love to receive.”

He stuffed the sandwich into his suit pocket. “Now I’ll never go hungry. Not even when I get tied to the bed by some random stripper after a night of raucous merriment, which, I’m happy to report happens way more often than you’d think!”

He winked at Roy. “Remind me to take you with me some time.”

“Yes, sir,” Roy squeaked.

Douglas picked up a gift bag from the pile and pulled out the contents. “Oh, what’s this? Hmm...it seems to be an official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6" unicorn plushie with a saddle on its back and a bottom that shoots glitter.”

Moss squeaked and Roy grabbed his arm to keep him from fainting.

“That’s it!” Moss exclaimed excitedly, pointing at the gift. “That’s the holy grail of Christmas presents!”

Douglas pushed the present back into the bag, walked over to the window and opened it. “Don’t be silly. I’ll shoot my eye out!”

Moss watched in horror as Douglas threw the unicorn out the 3rd story window. “Noooo!!!” he screamed as he dove out the window after the prized unicorn.

* * *

  
A disheveled and bruised Moss limped into the basement office and collapsed into his chair “Ploppers! Ploppers! Ploppers!”

As he sat there sobbing, a lanky goth like figure strode out of the red door situated behind Roy’s desk. “Hello? Is anyone in here?”

Moss looked up, narrowed his eyes and scowled. “Oh, hello Richmond. Who let you out?”

“No one. I thought I heard crying so I came out to investigate,” he said hauntingly. He stuck a dramatic pose and wiggled his fingers. “Like tears floating in the wind. Is anything the matter?”

Moss took a deep breath and picked up the advert. “Today the most glorious of glorious presents slipped through my fingers. Although in my defense, I did hit three tree branches, a light pole, and the bonnet of a car on the way down.”

“Well yes, that would be depressing,” Richmond comforted him as he laid a battered gift bag on Moss’ desk. “Well, I found this outside just a bit ago. Maybe it will cheer you up.”

Richmond turned and headed back towards the red door. “Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll go back to my server room. Too much light. It’ll burn my skin if I’m not careful.”

“But we’re in the basement with one tiny window,” Moss argued. “And it’s so dirty we didn’t even realize it was a window until recently.”

Richmond hissed at the window and slammed the door behind him.

Left alone again, Moss cautiously reached out for the bag and opened it, revealing its contents. Jumping up in surprise, he yelled, “Oh my god, it’s an official Sparkle Mountain, galloping action, 6" unicorn plushie with a saddle on its back and a bottom that shoots glitter!”

He quickly pulled the unicorn from it’s packaging and hugged it tightly to his chest. “Oh Mister Sparklebottom! I shall love you forever!”

When nothing happened, Moss held out the unicorn in front of him. “Hey wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to expel glitter from your backside when I squeeze you like that?”

He took off his glasses and held the back end of the unicorn up to his eye. “Maybe something is just stuck.”

With a final squeeze the unicorn spewed forth its mighty bowels, spraying its contents all over Moss’ face. He dropped the plushie and put his hands up to his face.

“Oh my god, I’ve shot my eye out!!”

 


End file.
